codi suzanne oliver — incredibly self aware pts 1 & 2

"Incredibly Self Aware pt 1"

by codi suzanne oliver

There is never a change in the amount of likes or reblogs any post of mine on Tumblr accrues as a result of it being reblogged by ’threethousandfifty’.

This is because those who like or reblog anything I post on Tumblr do not like the piece ‘in and of itself’ but like the piece because I posted it, because they like me.

They like me as a person but this has little to do with liking me as an ‘artist’ or more appropriately a ‘writer’ or ‘content generator’.

None of the tweets by @mammal3050 that link to posts reblogged from me by ‘threethousandfifty’ accrue any favorites or retweets unless I feel like retweeting them, which I often don’t because anybody who would click a link tweeted by me is already following @mammal3050.

I feel incredibly aware of what words, phrases, and semantics to use if I want a blog post of mine to be reblogged by ‘threethousandfifty’. I feel incredibly aware that this is futile.

Often I’ll be in a Tinychat with people I know or people who know of me and there will be one or two people who don’t know of me and it’s funny to see what happens.

Either they will ask me who I am and I will respond somehow, or they will ask, generally, who I am and the people who know me try their hardest to fit in a ‘she’ pronoun in their description, then the person will be confused and uncertain until the ‘she’ pronoun/general references to me being ‘a girl/woman/female/etc’ is repeated 3 or 4 times. They will refer to me using both ‘she’ and ‘he’ pronouns throughout the duration of the Tinychat, apologizing exaggeratedly when they use ‘he’.

Sometimes instead of asking who I am they will say something about me in the third person using a ‘he’ pronoun and I or another person in the Tinychat will correct them and this leads to the same confusion and the same conclusion.

In the last Tinychat I was in, Buttercup diffused this entire process by explicitly referring to me as transgender and I don’t know why I hadn’t thought to do that before and it worked very well.

I feel incredibly aware that my life is destined for economic, legal and social marginalization (deprivation/isolation), and more likely than not, physical and mental instability.

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to sneak out of my house to go to some undetermined anarchist ‘thing’. I had to come up with an excuse to my father as to why I was leaving the house. This seemed very realistic in an exaggerated sense.

I have very many thoughts and theories on ‘gender’ but always diffuse them by thinking ‘I’ll think about this later’.

I have very little interest in talking about politics and/or gender in online literature spaces because I have very little interest in discussing these topics [[with people who aren’t radical (anarchists, communists, etc) and in an overwhelmingly cisgender space]] but always mention them in a way that doesn’t invite further interrogation (as I have done and am doing in this piece) in order to make it clear that I am not avoiding these topics in an attempt to gain popular favor by depoliticizing and ungendering myself. I feel like this is an unstable position, I feel like everyone around me feels like I am in an unstable position. I feel like I am generating instability.

I feel incredibly aware of my role as an existential novelty for many people on Facebook.

I once wrote a story which contained a vignette that was based on a ‘real life’ occurrence assuming that the person involved wouldn’t read the story. Later, while discussing the story, the person made a sharp change of conversation and began discussing the topic that I had written about them and I discussing in the story. This let me know that they knew that the vignette was about them but I think they believed they were being more subtle than they actually were.

I feel incredibly aware of my role as a sexual novelty for many people on Facebook.

"Incredibly Self Aware pt 2"

Incredibly aware that this thing is a boring piece of shit.

Incredibly aware that this isn't funny or interesting.

Incredibly aware that this is why nobody cares about me as a writer. I think people like my fiction. I feel like I've made a mistake (haha).

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